My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Accurate
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price