The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
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Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Meow
this is me
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.