her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Me, in DM rooms…
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively