I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise