WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore