[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?