crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
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Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*