Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
pls suprot
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands