An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”