Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
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Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈