I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.