I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
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One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability