Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.