Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
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Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Yes my dude
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?