I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
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my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…