My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
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[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go