It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
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Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“i miss shittin on people”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.