WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods