Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
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I just stopped by to water my horse.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.