me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
A friend helps you before you need it
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses