[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
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That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space