Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
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white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.