“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
How do dragons blow out candles?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.