OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
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ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
what day is it?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
time for some seasonal decor
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!