Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
just witnessed a drug deal
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips