Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
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Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
what the
I am never leaving this website
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…