If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
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My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
#Caturday
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver