When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
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I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person