Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
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Oh we’ve met.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)