Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
You Might Also Like
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”