[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
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“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes