No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
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how high up are we talkin’?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”