*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.