I only eat vegetarians.
You Might Also Like
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.