A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
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If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
meow
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car