That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”