Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
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[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
No way!
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash