I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
This squirrel eats better than I do
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.