I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.