Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
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Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!