Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
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“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!