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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
That de-escalated quickly
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it