Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy