internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Reporter: *ports again*
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken