DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
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Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*