Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
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wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Noah was an idiot.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.