Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
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I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.