Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
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‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.