Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
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[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door