We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Weirdos gonna weird.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*